For many years I couldn’t feel my own body.
It was a stranger to me.
I gave it away for many reasons, but strangely I could almost could feel myself through others.
And somehow that never occurred to me to be wrong.
And then I found meditation, and I felt uncomfortable. I thought, well there’s a start. I don’t like this. So I sat some more. My legs would fall asleep, my ankles would ache. I kept sitting. My low back was screaming, my mind wasn’t the least bit still, but yet I sat.
I had a small thought, somewhere deep in my mind that I might be able to wake myself up by sitting here. I might find that voice I hid so long ago and listen to her again. I might have a lot of apologizing to do, but I would be able to do it, maybe if i stayed here long enough to hear her.
She never came.
I changed tactics.
I looked in the mirror, I said “I love you,” dead into my eyes. I felt nothing. That’s not true, I felt like a fraud. I felt like a parody of myself. I kept saying it, everyday. I’d move the steam from the mirror and I would say it again. Nothing. Almost disgust.
Wait. Disgust isn’t nothing. It’s something.
I pressed on.
I felt myself changing inside. Wanting to tell me something. Wanting me to hear.
But still, i said “I love you” and there were dead eyes shifting away from me.
Until many months later…I was in the shower and I felt a stirring inside me. Like a fluttering. I felt flush and maybe a little excited. Nothing was happening, I was just washing my hair. And I felt the urge to jump out and look in the mirror.
“I love you” I said.
A tear. Another. Many, flooding my face.
I love you, I heard from my eyes.
I climbed on the counter and got really close to my face and kept repeating it. Kept wiping away the steam from the mirror with the side of my hand. Kept hearing it. Kept feeling it. The connection. The love. Seeing myself, shampoo in hair and everything.
I love you.
Three words that cracked me open. Poured sunshine directly into my being.
Fast forward a decade, two decades. Daily checking in to make sure I was still there and yet, I had been giving my body away. Why?
Because I needed something to help me get it back. I needed something to tell me I’m allowed to inhabit myself. Because I needed to know that all of me mattered–to me.
It has been years. I’m a married woman now to the man I waited so long for. The man of my dreams. Is every day rainbows? No. But I think i’d get sick of rainbows every day anyway. It’s real, and true and deep and it’s mine, it’s ours.
So when I was told of a procedure that could unify me in my body I didn’t hesitate. And unify it did. I kicked out my old way of thinking along with all the memories of thinking that way and I was left with this golden pulsating life force though my whole body.
I did the work to heal my heart.
I did the work to calm my mind.
I did the work which led to my true love.
And then I did the work to unify my whole being.
It’s so simple. It’s so profound. It’s so elegant–my body took care of most of it herself, only too willing to bring me back to center.
Come with me. Find your heart. Find your center. Find your truth.
I’ll see you when you’re ready.